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PRESS RELEASE:

Summer, Two-Thousand-And-Thing

This website has been set up by Avalon Promotions Ltd to alert you, the plebs comedy-viewing public, to all the new comedy acts coming to the West End this summer. Coincidentally, they are exactly the same as last year's acts. And the year before that. And the year before that.

So read on, and discover a whole new world of hilarious happenings, crazy comedians, surreal stand-up, Perrier prize-winning, annoying alliteration, and the reviewers from Time Out drunkenly sitting through the previews and pissing themselves at any mention of 'punani, aye', or the word 'fuck'.

Enjoy!

TEN POUNDS. TWO BLOKES. NO LAUGHS.

Frank Baddiel and Rob Skinner are the future of stand-up comedy, unfortunately. Their unique brand of blokey humour has endeared them to drunkards and media whores all over South London. Their Edinburgh show was completely unscripted and created a whole new genre of comedy, known to the public as 'pointless shite'. Two comedians sitting on a sofa ad-libbing a comedy routine would have been a great idea, had the comedians been Graeme Garden and Barry Cryer. Instead they used Steve Baddiel and Hugh Skinner and the result was an unfunny, tragic mess. Of course, ITV signed it up shortly afterwards. The first series was not a success: the first show was watched by half a dozen people and the ratings went down dramatically after that. By series two however, Time Out had realised that Avalon advertised in their magazine and encouraged as many people as possible to watch the show. The ratings went up to 19 squillion viewers per episode. Ant Baddiel And Dec Skinner Unfunny was a runaway hit, so called because many people ran away rather than watch it.

At last, Lowell Baddiel and Babaloo Skinner are back in London's glittering West End delivering their unique and highly amusing brand of etc, etc.

With warm-up by Steve Bastard: A laugh, a prop, and two thousand fart sound effects. "He's killed comedy." - Iain Lee.

 

What people say about Baddiel and Skinner:

"Comic geniuses. Oh wait, is it genii? Who cares. They're still not as good as me."

- Al Murray, pub landlord, Sky TV.

"I don't like my little Davey using that kind of language, oy vey, chicken soup, my life already."

- Dave's mother, in the audience of every show, Yiddisherville.

"Fecking greet. Thy'rre my besht maatessssss thay are. ii've only haaad a few@@@@@ at luncshhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh................"

- Some twat, Time Out offices, Booyakasha Street.

 

Performance extract:

SKINNER: So Dave, why don't you tell them what you did last weekend? Wait til you hear this, folks!

BADDIEL: Heh heh! I was actually playing table tennis with Denise Van Outen!!!

SKINNER: Did she paddle your balls?

BADDIEL: Ha ha ha, she did as it happens!!! Coz we were playing table tennis!!! So yes, she did 'paddle my balls'!!!

SKINNER: Ooh yer, I tell you what. I'd give 'er one, that Denise Van Outen.

BADDIEL: I'd give 'er one too.

SKINNER: I'd give 'er three four!!!

BADDIEL: Yeah!

SKINNER: Er, Dave. You know table tennis tables?

BADDIEL: Well, not personally, no!!! I don't go to the pub with them!!!!

SKINNER: No, but they look like snooker tables don't they?

BADDIEL: Well, it's funny you should say that cos two weeks hence I was...

SKINNER: "Two weeks hence"?!?

BADDIEL: Did I say "two weeks hence"?

SKINNER: Yer, "two weeks hence".

BADDIEL: Well, sory about that ladies and gentlemen, I seem to have come over all posh!!!

SKINNER: As David Beckham said to the Press Association.

BADDIEL: I can't believe I said "hence"!

SKINNER: Yeah, well let's not spend all the time sitting on the hence, go on with your story Dave.

BADDIEL: OK, well, two weeks ago... I was playing snooker with Barbara Windsor.

SKINNER: Barbara Windsor!!!... Did she cushion your balls?

BADDIEL: Yes!!!

SKINNER: Did she put her hands in your pockets??

BADDIEL: Yes, she did coz....!!!!

SKINNER: Did she finger your cue???

BADDIEL: Yes, she did all these coz we were playing snooker!!!!!

SKINNER: Did you need a rest afterwards????

BADDIEL: Yes, in more ways than one!!!!!!

SKINNER: That reminds me of a funny story when I was at school and I fucked a goat. I was about sixteen....

BADDIEL: Should we choose a secretary?

SKINNER: ...and I saw this goat, right, and I thought "Phwooar, look at the arse on that!"...

BADDIEL: Shall we have a question from the audience? You, woman in the purple top.

WOMAN: Ooh, er, yes, hello...

BADDIEL AND SKINNER: Hello.

SKINNER: Can I just ask, right, why you're wearing so much purple? You look like Barney The Dinosaur!!!

BADDIEL: Yeah, right, cos with all that purple on you look like Barney The Dinosaur!!!!!

SKINNER: What's your question, luv?

WOMAN: Um, I just wanted to ask, what's your favourite cheese?

SKINNER: Chedder.

BADDIEL: Me too.

SKINNER: No, actually, I prefer gouda.

BADDIEL: Gouda!!! You big poof!!!!!

SKINNER: Oh, well, you can talk, jewboy!!

BADDIEL: Oh, back on this again are we...

SKINNER: Oh, you killed Christ and you know it!!

BADDIEL: I didn't kill Him, I just wounded Him with my bicycle!!!

SKINNER: I didn't know you had a bicycle.

BADDIEL: Oh yeah, yeah.

SKINNER: Three speed?

BADDIEL: Ten speed.

SKINNER: Ooh, nice. And on that note I think it's time for a break. See you in three minutes.

WARNING: IF YOU DO NOT LAUGH AT HARRY HILL YOUR JOB IN THE MEDIA MAY BE AT RISK.

Harry Hill is an icon of modern comedy, it says here. His unique style of comedy has been often imitated by lazy, unoriginal bastards. Harry knows this because he copied it off someone else in the first place. With his showband The Catheters, Harry skillfully blends comedy, surrealism, music and bollocks into one huge, unintelligible mess. Of course, Channel 4 signed him up immediately. His TV show, Harry Hill Pulls A Silly Face And Dances Badly For Half An Hour, was an instant success with Time Out reviewers of all ages. It featured appearances by people who'll do anything for five quid and a can of lager: Bert Kwouk, Philll Jupitus, David Soul, Simon Pegg (probably), The Wurzels, Barry Cryer, and yes, Al Murray were amongst the line-up of guest stars, along with some puppets or something, I don't know, I never watched it til I started working in Avalon's promotions department.

At last, Harry Hill is back in London's glittering West End delivering his unique and highly amusing brand of etc, etc.

With warm-up by Stouffer: A glove-puppet who'll have more comic timing than Alistair McGowan ever will. "He's my right hand man!" - Harry Hill. "See, it's a puppet, so he's on my hand. It's a joke."

 

What people say about Harry Hill:

"Great show. Especially the bits with me in."

- Al Murray, fool, the top bunk in Richard Herring's bedroom.

"He's truly a wacky funster. Surreal, bizarre, Pytharnesque. Never been bettered."

- Eric Idle, ex-hero, Soldoutsville, USA.

"It's like watching something truly great and life-changing, only not."

- Another twat, Time Out offices, Hellonoitsrubbish Street.

 

Performance extract:

"... mmmm, cheese eh? Guuuuh, I don't know. Don't break my heart, my achey-breaky heart, I just don't think it'll understand... Fancy a pint? Mmm? Yes? I do. Coffee pots, eh? Guuuuh, they're hot aren't they? Mmmmm, pull! Bam! Direct hit! Oooh! Don't blame it on the sunshine, don't blame it on the moonlight, don't blame it on good times... blame it on Barry George. Eh! Eh! Bus conductors eh? Where do they get off? Gaaaaah! If Tony Hadley married Bradley Walsh he'd be Bradley Hadley! Phew, comedy eh? An den ah sah er fayss, nah ahm a beeleevah... Talking about monkeys, my auntie had false teeth. They tried to sell her the Brooklyn Bridge. Gaaaaaah, what is it like? Lakk a bat awta ell, ahl be gawn wen de mahnin' comes.... Pull! Bam! Missed. Budgies? We don't need no stinking budgies. My girlfriend was so good at maths she had to live in a lighthouse. Ah ammmmmmm de wun an awnlee... Electrolosis for dissidents? Gaaaah, Bruce Willis eh? Everywhere he goes something blows up, and it's all on film! Gaaaaah. If Emma Bunton married Eminem she'd be Emma Eminem! This new-fangled rock music eh. I mistuned my radio, listened to static for an hour and a half. Thought it was the new tune from Westlife! Ahm flah-inn wivawt wiiiiiiiiiings... Doooooh, Bananarama eh? Where are they when we need them? Pull! Bam! Oooh. Fancy a pint eh? Eh? Eh? Eh? I do. I rented a film this week: Schindler's Liztomania. It's a fun, uplifting musical about the genocide at Auschwitz. Apparently it's going to be turned into a sing-a-long show, like The Sound Of Music. De ills ahh alifffffe wid de sand av moooo-zikkkk... Gaaaaah, do bears shit in the wood? If so, why did Bungle live in a house? Speaking of Rainbow... zinz yoo be gawn, zinz yoo be gawn, a lawt ahv ma ed cunt tayk eeeet... Zippy eh? He always reminded me of Vyvyan in The Young Ones, didn't he, eh? Didn't he? "George, you should stop playing with me toy train before you break it, you complete and utter bastard!!!!" De yung wunnnnnns, darlin we de yung wunnnnnns.... The Jung Ones, eh? A sitcom about analytical psychotherapy. Gaaaaaah, imagine being blind eh? What must that feel like? Pull! Bam! Wow! Shot a duck! Yippee! Gaaaah, if Jayne Mansfield married Elton John it would be a hell of a shock for everyone, wouldn't it, eh! Dahn't go bray-kin ma art, ah coo-dunt eef ah tur-eyed... I once taped This Morning and watched it the morning after. I bought a director's commentary on DVD, and found it had one of his films as an extra. Nuk nuk nukking ahn evans doh-oh-war... Woof, tick. Woof, tick. I'm a watchdog. Guuuuuh, babies eh? I played Prince Charles at polio once. It's like polo, but your horse only has three legs. Whatsa matter you, eh, whya you looka so sad.... I hope nobody notices that I've only delivered four funny one-liners in one three hour show, or that the rest of my routine is just a pisspoor copy of the styles of Vic Reeves and Eddie Izzard. Shall I do my Morrissey impression now...?"

TWENTY-TWO UNWATCHABLE EPISODES AND SOME CATCHPHRASES FOR THE PLEBS

Al Murray The Pub Landlord is the New Messiah of comedy, according to Al Murray. His unique style of slurring his words and pretending to be homophobic have endeared him to bigots all over one all-white pub in Peckham. Carefully mixing the styles of telling old jokes in a cockney accent and drinking alcohol on stage, Al Murray has single-handedly created the worst stand-up comedy character for over five decades. Of course, Sky TV signed him up immediately. His shitcom, Time, Gentlemen, Please, To Get Someone Like Dick Vosburgh In To Write Some Decent Jokes And Characterisation For This Excuse Of An Idea For A Sitcom, was an instant hit with everyone who's got Sky One, being watched by nearly four people each show, a new record for digital television. The stereotypes that Al Murray created were an instant success with people who have never seen Blackadder The Third, and characters such as That Tall Bloke, The Ozzie Barmaid, and That Other Man have gone down in history as being just as important as Jemma Redgrave's character in Cry Wolf, Tim Brooke-Taylor's character in You Must Be The Husband, and Jerry Van Dyke's character in My Mother The Car.

At last, [INSERT NAME HERE] is back in London's glittering West End delivering his unique and highly amusing brand of etc, etc.

With warm-up by Jason Freeman: A man who's career peaked whilst playing 'Tall Barman' in a sitcom on Sky One. "What can I say, he works cheap!" - Al Murray.

 

What people say about Al Murray, The Pube Landlord:

"Fanfuckingtastic, even if I do say so myself!!!"

- Al Murray, soulless puppet, Hell.

"Extrabubulous, wistanfabulous, pierreofunkuloum, and lots of other long words that I've just made up."

- Germaine Greer, confused old bat, Late Review.

"I say he's great, and I'd say that even if Avalon didn't threaten to pull their advertising from our magazine every single fucking week."

- All the twats at Time Out, Time Out offices, DecentcomedymyarseStreet.

 

Performance extract:

"... Fucking Liberals. I 'ate 'em. Dahn't get me wrong, I believe in equal rights for women, I really do, bless their sweet little 'eads. I even keep several glasses of white wine behind the bar, FOR THE LADIES!!!! [cheers and applause from audience] I also employ one, so BACK OFF BRUSSELS!!! [cheers and applause] It's just a shame I didn't marry one. I'M NOT GAY!!! [cheers and applause] I just mean my wife's a fucking dog. And fucking a dog most likely. Cunt. [cheers] Actually, I doubt that even Gary would touch 'er with a ten-inch pole. I mean 'is penis, of course. [cheers] Fucking cunt. It's like yer Queen sang, 'Nothin' really matters'. I'M NOT GAY!!! [cheers and applause] I just think Queen were a fucking good band. 'Cept for the poof, of course. [cheers] As my barmaid often says 'Don't stick yer shrimps on a barbie unless you're sure the barbie's 'ot.'. Cos she's a fucking Australian. And a woman so BACK OFF, BRUSSELS!!!! [cheers and applause] Man walked into my pub the other day, asked for a unit of lager. So I twatted 'im one. Coz there's NO METRIC IN MY GAFF!!! [cheers and applause] BACK OFF, BRUSSELS!!!! [more cheers and applause] Bleeding liberals. No, FUCKING liberals!!! [cheers and applause] Some liberal bird came inta my pub the other day and said that I was a rude, chauvenistic bigot. Cunt. [cheers] Still she's a woman, norrwattamean? Prob'ly 'er time of the month. D'you see, with a line like that the Time Out blokes think I'm being ironic so they applaud me and the fucking idiot bigots in the audience think I'm serious so they fucking applaud me also. I can't lose! And everyone else will like me as long as I keep spouting my crap catchphrases. Or just shout 'FUCKING CUNT!!!!' [cheers and applause] See?!? I know this coz of me IIIIINSTINCT!!! [cheers and applause] So BACK OFF, BRUSSELS!!!! [cheers and applause] My wife said summin to me the other day. She said ''Ey, Al. Dahn't you think you swear too much?'. So I said 'FUCK OFF, YOU COW!!!!'. [cheers and applause] Fucking coons, send 'em back to their OWN FUCKING COUNTRY!!! [cheers and applause] Isn't being a racist cunt funny? I think so, and that's why they call me the GUV'NOR!!!! [Pavlovian cheers and applause] And I said 'CUNT' as well!!!! [more Pavlovian cheers and applause] That Terry came inta my pub yesterday and d'you know wot 'e said. 'E said ''Ey, Al. Intcha really a middle class, well-educated comedian who's often found at Groucho's sipping martinis with Richard Herring, who's only pretending to be a bigotted, illiterate Cockney who swears too much instead of telling yer actual jokes so that you can create a multi-million pound contract over selling the rights of a very poor sitcom to Sky TV?'. So I says 'OI!!! CUNT!!!! YOU'RE BARRED!!!!!!' [cheers and applause] Fucking poof..."

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