Only two things are definite in
this world: death and wasting time on really crappy
websites. Now it's time to combine the two with Squidy's
Death Clock Calculator Thing. Simply answer the questions
below by clicking the rings and then pressing the button
at the bottom of the page for your own personal death
date, place and/or reason taken at random from a list of
literally nineteen. What could possibly be more fun?
Don't answer that, it was rhetorical.
s
q
u
i
d
y
1.
Are you:
Male.
Female.
Other.
2.
Are you already
dead?
Of course not, you dong,
I'm doing this survey, aren't I?
No, but some of the
members of my family are, especially the older
ones.
Yes. (P.S. I am a liar)
3.
Do you believe
in Hell?
Yes. It's full of fire
and red caves and nasty little demons with horns
and pitchforks. Just like in that awful Robin
Williams film that no-one went to see. Or that
Daffy Duck cartoon. You know the one: "Oh,
the little man from the draft board...". Oh
come on now, you must've seen it.
No. It's just a mythical
place made up to scare the shit out of people,
like Manchester or New Jersey.
No, but I believe in Aaagh,
It's The Mr Hell Show and that's much
worse.
No, but I belieeeeeve in
life after love, just like Cher said. (P.S. I am
a liar)
4.
Do you
masturbate regularly?
Yes.
Of course.
No. (P.S. I am a liar)
You
dirty little man, woman or other.
5.
Have you or a
member of your family ever upset a major member
of the mafia?
Yes, my godfather had
the boss of the Vitti gang whacked, gave him a
concrete overcoat and now he sleeps with the
fishes, bada-bing bada-boom. The loveliness
of Paris seems somehow sadly gay, the glory that
was Rome is of another day...
No, whaddya heard? It'sa
lie, I tells yah. I t'ought he was somebody else.
How was I s'pposeda know that twelve dozen
bullets to the head would kill a man. Please
don't tell anyone, they'll take my shins. Please!
Well, my girlfriend once
taped Pop Idol over an episode of The
Sopranos.
6.
Do you enjoy The
Office?
Yes, I find Ricky
Gervais' humourous yet truthful style of writing
a breath of fresh air in the modern-day comedy
climate.
No, it's shite.
Yes, I really enjoyed
that 1996 Robert Lindsay pilot, aaaaaahhhh!
The Office?
Bollocks to it, I preferred Cry Wolf.
7.
What is your
favourite sitcom catchphrase?
I have a cunning plan.
Que?
Lovely Jubbly.
Feck, drink, arse,
girls!
D'oh!
Other.
This
has nothing to do with this death clock thing, I'm just
interested. I've always been fond of "Luthy, you got
some splainin to do" myself. Not leastly because it
allows a grown man to say "splainin" on
prime-time television and have people know what he's
talking about. Anyway, now that we know each other a
little better...
8.
Will you send me
your dirty panties?
Why yes!
But of course!
Certainly, what's your
address and how many pairs?
I want a different
surveyor.
9.
Are you
allegeric to any of the following? (Check
all that apply. Or all that don't apply. In fact,
don't check anything, it's all just for show
really.)
Cats.
Dogs.
Fish.
Hair.
Air.
The band Air.
The musical Hair.
Paint.
Fish, from Marillion.
Fish, the
spin-off sitcom from Barney Miller.
Spin-off sitcoms.
Dirty panties.
Cats, the musical.
Cat Stevens.
Cat Deeley.
Cat, y'know, from off of
Red Dwarf.
Dog, from that Red
Dwarf episode where they went into the
Parallel Universe and everything was reversed.
Series two, I think.
The Isle of Dogs.
Dogstar, Keanu Reeves'
shit indie band.
That crappy kids film Cats
And Dogs.
Datsun cogs. That is,
cogs for Datsuns.
Puns.
Surveys.
Punning surveys.
Punninglingus.
The 'verdana' font.
Other.
10.
How often do you
drink alcohol?
Every day. I'm a
journalist.
Occasionally. I'm a
student.
Never. I'm a liar.
Ugga blagga wuggah
spleurgh.
11.
Do you ever
suffer from stress?
Yes. I am
employed/unemployed.
No. I am on drugs.
Stress? Stress??? I
don't know, I just don'tknow!!!
God, this survey's harder than I thought. And
I've still got those accounts to do and got to
buy a present for the wife's anniversary, whichIforgot, and my boss is about to
fire me, OH GOD, I WISH I WAS DEAD!!!
AAAAAAAAARGGGGHHH!!!!!! So in answer to your
inquiry, why don't you fuck off?
Ugga blagga wuggah
spleurgh.
12.
You have reached
the end of the survey. Now that you've completed
it, did you regard it as a waste of your time?
Yes. It was a pathetic
excuse at a not-needed parody of a site that very few people have seen.
No. I have all the time
in the world. I'm a student. And I'm on drugs.
Well, at least it was
better than The Schmews.
Ugga blagga wuggah -- oh
sod it, I'm going down the pub.
Well
done, you have completed the Squidy's Death Clock survey. To find
out when and/or how you are going to die, click on the button
below:
So,
I hear you cry, is that it? Is that how I'm going to die?
Well, the simple answer is no. Of course it isn't. You
are a fool and it was a joke. But you are
going to die someday. Maybe not today, maybe not
tomorrow, maybe not even the day after that, but soon and
for the rest of your, um...
But
what can I do to prevent this?, you ask. Nothing. Nada. Zip,
zero, and zebra. You just have to live the rest of your life
however you wish to, whether climbing Mount Everest or wanking
into a sponge. Me, I suggest shrugging your shoulders and going
'eh', before putting on another Blackadder DVD.
Oh, and
sign my guestbook. That'll kill some time.
