Handy Household Hints part 94: What To Do If You're On Death Row

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HANDY HOUSEHOLD HINTS:
Part 94

What To Do If You're On Death RNw

It happens to us all eventually. We're committed of a crime we didn't (or perhaps did) commit. And if the crime's mass-murder and you're in certain states in America, then prepare to meet Ol' Sparky as you've just been put on Death Row, waiting for the electric chair. But there is one advantage. Before they kill you, you are allowed a final meal of your choice, due to a hypocritical law designed to make legal murderers feel good about themselves. Sure, they kill other human beings, but at least they feed them well. But hang on, you're thinking, surely I can use this rare privilege to my advantage, to gain a few extra days on my life? Well, yes you can, and Squidy's Website's Handy Household Hints is going to tell you how. Just remember this acronym:

DYMEDA:

Be DIFFICULT,
Change YOUR mind,
Be MORALLY wrong,
Choose something EXPENSIVE,
Be DEVIOUSLY cunning,
and
Have an ALLIGATOR egg.

And here's why:

1) The law are obliged to give you whatever you want for you last meal. Therefore, when you are asked what you would like, reply with something really obscure and complicated, such as roast elephant with a Marmite sauce. Be difficult! Insist on Indian elephant, or Waitrose own brand Marmite. If they argue tell them that they must get you whatever you want or they will be in breach of the law. They will then go and look it up in their big book of 'Legal Terms For Dummies', giving you an extra few days of living. When the find out you were correct, after they beat you for being a smartarse, they will go shopping for your food. It will take several weeks to find, kill and roast an elephant, throughout which you will be kept alive.

2) Sooner or later, they will be ready to feed you. So be prepared! When you see thirty boxes of Waitrose own brand Marmite being wheeled in, tell the warden you have changed your mind, and that you don't want the Marmite-covered elephant. They may give you a lie detector test, but don't worry. You will be found to be telling the truth, because you genuinely don't want the elephant and Marmite. This will buy you several more days.

3) When they ask what you now want, be disgusting and morally wrong. Ask for steak and chips, adding that the steak must be made out of pure human baby. They will be repulsed, but obliged to agree with your request. In America, babies are cheap and plentiful, but don't expect to be served fairly quickly. The physical aspect of this recipe is almost immediate, but the moral debate from well-meaning, interfering old busybodies will last months, years if you're lucky. When you finally get the baby steak, tell them one of two things:

Tell that that you should have specified, and that you wanted to eat a specific baby. When asked which say it was Dylan Zeta-Jones-Douglas, or Brooklyn Beckham, or whoever the baby du jour is. When they say they can't do this, change the order again.
If this doesn't work, grudgingly accept your baby steak, and then complain that you wanted it cooked at a specific heat, which is coincidentally one less than what it is actually cooked at; e.g. if the steak arrives well done, say you wanted it medium. If it arrives medium, say you wanted it medium rare, etc. Say you can't eat it and change the order again.

4) Your new order (and I'm not talking about the band who performed Blue Monday!) should be the expensive one: The Mona Lisa, smothered in tomato ketchup (HANDY HINT: Remember, in America it's pronounced 'tom-AY-toe'). They'll never be able to persuade The Louvre to sell them the painting for food, and if they do, they'll never raise the many millions of dollars required to pay for it. After a few months of trying to purchase it, they will ask you to change your order.

NOTE: Your only problem comes if they actually do procure the Mona Lisa for use as prison food. If they do, complain about the sauce. Say you've got gout, or something.

5) Your next choice is deviously cunning: order a fried electric chair. The wardens will be so happy they've heard you say something they actually have, they will instantly fry the nearest electric chair. This will take several hours (if you ask for it in the evening, you've just bought yourself an extra day). When they bring it to you, eat it all. When you've finished, tell them you are ready to be executed. They will be so happy they will drag you to the execution chamber without thinking. When you get there, they will become confused at the lack of a chair. Your warden will be close to a nervous breakdown: "But where did it go? It was here yesterday. Hey, Steve, have you seen..." At this point, pat your stomach and lick your lips. The penny will finally drop. "...uh, Steve? Never mind". They now have to order a new chair. It takes six to eight weeks to deliver a blender via mail order. Imagine how long it will take to deliver an electric chair. Eight to twelve months, at least, which you can spend smiling victoriously.

NOTE: If you are to be killed by lethal injection, do not eat the hypodermic needle. Not only do the jails have lots of spares, but swallowing the poison will have the same effect as having it injected into your veins, i.e. your death.

6) Well, you've put it off as long as possible, but the new electric chair has arrived, and now it's time to die. But you might as well go out with a bang. Literally. For your final last meal (they must have fed you between now and when you ate the chair), choose an alligator egg. Not a boiled alligator egg, or a scrambled alligator egg, but a raw, unhatched alligator egg. Swallow it whole (if you can eat a complete electric chair, you can certainly swallow an alligator egg whole). Your stomach will act as an incubator, gradually keeping the unborn alligator alive. When you are finally fried in the chair (hopefully in front of dozens of journalists and television cameras), the heat will caused the egg to hatch. The alligator's natural instinct will be to get away from the heat as quickly as possible, and will do this by bursting out of your stomach, covered with blood, mucus and burnt skin, looking all the world like the famous scene in Alien.
But what if the crocodile hasn't survived and is being digested in my stomach right this very minute, I hear you worrying. Well, firstly, you'll be dead, so there's no need to worry about anything anymore. Secondly, it will still look spectacularly disgusting. After all, what happens to an egg in a microwave? That's right.The alligator egg will explode in your stomach, covering everyone in the room with a combination of blood, entrails, feces, egg shells, stomach acid, and semi-digested alligator fetus.

Bon appetit!

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