Derek And Clive Come Again On The Big Screen

20th Century Fox have annouced that they will be remaking the 1980 Russ Malcahy movie "Derek And Clive Get The Horn" after achieving moderate box office success with their recent remake of Bedazzled, which starred Brendan Frazer and Elizabeth Hurley, the original of which was written by and starring Peter Cook and Dudley Moore. Partial backing will be provided by Universal Studios, who own the rights. Fox have decided to remake other this little known Cook/Moore movie, hoping for similar, if not more financial, success. The remake (working title: "Donald And Chuck Have Some Yuks") will star Steve Martin and Chris Rock in the Derek/Donald and Clive/Chuck roles, and will be directed by comedy writer Peter Tolan. Tolan says of the project "The original movie was an undisputed classic, marred by bad camerawork, some unfunny ad-libs, and overly gratutious swearing. We intend to make a more family-orientated movie, which will require imacculate scripting. I hope it will make for a better entertainment experience". The script has been written by Tolan, along with twelve other sitcom writers, including Martin himself. Martin says: "It will be more accessible than the original. We will be filming it in front of a specially invited audience at the Neil Simon Theatre in New York."

Chris Rock has been fired from troubled 20th Century Fox production "Steve And Chris Knock Your Socks Off" (previously "Donald And Chuck Have Some Yuks") after having improvising new dialogue on stage at yesterday's filming. Rock, who strayed from the script to use his own graphic and offensive language, says "The script they wanted me to read was soft as s**t. I just made it funnier". Director Peter Tolan, who also supervised the script, has walked off the project. He says "I wanted it to be a family experience, for people aged five to one hundred and five. Chris Rock's ad-libbing was way outta line. Ad-libbed swearing, racist, and sexist jokes is not what the Derek And Clive franchise is about". Fox are taking all risks out of the project by filming it without an audience, and making it more plot-based so as to create less scope for improvisation. A new director is yet to get on board.

Rock's part is set to be taken by a woman this time to make up for the lack of a minority in the main cast. Rumoured to be up for the part are TV's "The Nanny" Fran Drescher and "It's Pat: The Movie" star Kathy Griffin.

EPHRON ON 20th F. 'DON'

Nora Ephron has been signed to direct the troubled 20th Century Fox production "Simon And Kris And Fall In Love" (previously "Steve And Chris Knock Your Socks Off"). Originally a stand-up comedy performance, the script has now been rewritten to be more like a traditional romantic-comedy. "I'm extremely proud to be working on this picture," said Ephron yesterday "but I'm not going to make something that I've made a million times before: this will be no Meg Ryan / Tom Hanks / New York rom-com. I plan on doing something very different, studio intervention permitting."

'KRIS' CONFUSION CAUSED BY CLAUSE

Nora Ephron's next production, Simon Meets Kris, has hit legal difficulties. After rewriting the entire screenplay, Ephron has discovered that it needs reworking due to a clause in 20th Century Fox's contract which states that her film has to include several scenes similar to the original version, the 1979 movie Derek And Clive Get The Horn, in order to avoid a law suit. As shooting starts next week, a new script is being hastily written by a 12 year old boy on work experience while the original movie is being played in front of him.

BOY MEETS GIRL
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A 20th Century Fox release of a Universal Studios production. Produced by Peter Tolan. Executive producers, Sidney J. Sheinberg, Eric J. Idle, Samuel L. Bronkowitz, Adolf J. Hitler, Squi J. Dy.
Co-producers, Aaron Smaaron, Josh Smosh, Harvey Smarvey, Jeffery Smeffery, Steven Smeven.
More fucking producers, John Cocaine, Zak Alcoholic, David Proactive, Leonard Bomb.

Directed by Nora Ephron. Screenplay by Nora Ephron, Peter Tolan, eleven other nebbishes who used to write for Mad About You. Based on an original script by Peter Dead and Dudley Dying. Camera (Dulux color, Panandscan-O-Scope), Max Korn; Stunts, Hingle Blinglesteen; Music, Dobby Barin; Visual effects, Spongle Rollockspangler; Production designer, David Blunkett and Lucy; Art director; Icabod Q. Hermione; Set director, Haemoglobin Scaramouche; Costume designer, Anne Other-Sillyname; Lighting director, Derek Slee; Darkening director, Gummo Slee; Wigs by Brian; Sound (Dobly UTE [Up-To-Eleven]), Leorge Gucas; Editor, Rabbi Lionel Blue; Second unit director, Nick Onearm-Smith; Production supervisor, Tony Cinescale; Runner, Sebastian Coe; Casting, Ian Uffalreddy. Reviewed at No-Soul Multiplex theater, screen three billion, Noo Yoik, October 5th, 2000-and-something. MPAA Rating: PU. Running time: AN ETERNITY.

Simon Derek.................................................Tom Hanks
Kris Clive.......................................................Meg Ryan
Oscar Onedimensionalcharacter...............Rob Reiner

Tom Bestfriend......................................Michael McKean
Ed Plotdevelopment..........................................Rob Lowe
Cameo Isn'tHeDead......................................Peter Graves

he premise of this film is as simple as the title, and you'd have to be simple to enjoy it. The films starts with two childhood sweethearts, Simon (Tom Hanks) and Kris (Meg Ryan), agreeing, 'It's Always Fair Weather'-style, to meet up up twenty years later in a recording studio. The reason as to why they've chosen this venue is never explained. Fade in twenty years later: Simon is a successful computer programmer while Kris is a waitress. The film then becomes a series of incidents rather than an actual story: The duo first share a romantic meal, pouring chips over each other's head; A mutual friend called Damien finds some endangered toads in his slacks, before donating them to the city zoo; Kris puts ice cubes down Simon's back in a sickeningly cute way; They go to Las Vegas and marry a film; They sing a few very odd songs around a piano; In a bizarre animated sequence they die and get reincarnated as hamsters; They go down to their local racetrack and see The Durex Handicap where they

enjoy seeing their horse, Penis, predicably coming first; And there is a frankly disturbing meeting with Simon's mother. Also, for some ridiculous reason the characters wear headphones throughout. The whole film is a depressing ragbag of old Saturday Night Live sketches with the jokes surgically removed. Quite why Nora Ephron decided to change her winning formula of the traditional rom-com so dramatically is beyond me, and probably has many studio executives crying into their pink slips. The film climaxes with the two leads being raided by the police who turn out to be some friends dressed up (again for no real reason), and it ends with Simon proposing to Kris, although his final line, "My darling Kris, you give me the facking horn" is ludicrous and I would probably have taken it to be offensive, if only I knew what the bollocking cunt it meant.