1 INT. RICHIE'S BEDROOM STUDIO

RICHIE QUNTE is sitting by a roaring fire, stroking a tabby pussy CAT that is on his lap. It should look like his room in the TV series 'Bottom'.

RICHIE
Ah, look at the time. Time to put the cat out.

He stands up. The CAT slides off him and hit the floor with a thud and a 'meow'. RICHIE picks him up and walks to the door. Before he opens the door he puts the cat on a dresser.

RICHIE
(partly to himself, partly to CAT)
Ooh, better not forget this again.

Picks up spacesuit and starts to put it on. Before he puts his helmet on, he notices a smudge on it, so he breathes on it and polishes it with his sleeve.

RICHIE
(tries to pick CAT back up)
That's better. There's nothing like a clean helmet
when you're trying to pick up a frisky pussy!

Presses the keypad on the side of the door and it slides open, Star Trek-style, to reveal...

CUT TO

2 RICHIE'S POV STUDIO/DIGITAL EFFECTS

... a beautiful, computer generated starscape, with the odd planet and comet thrown in for good measure. We realise we are in space.

CUT TO

3 FRONT VIEW OF DOOR STUDIO/DIGITAL EFFECTS

Richie puts the CAT down as he would on earth. It floats away.

RICHIE
Bye bye, puss.

The CAT'S head expands then explodes, showering RICHIE's suit and helmet with blood and entrails.

CUT TO

4 CLOSE-UP OF RICHIE STUDIO

RICHIE sighs blissfully at the sight, as if the cat is alive and playing with a ball of wool. The door shuts behind him with a whooshy thud. RICHIE reacts. He turns around and starts to panic, wondering how he'll get in.

RICHIE
(panicking)
Uh, uh, uh, uh ....

RICHIE tries to prise open the door with his fingers, and then starts blowing on the door's sides and licking his finger, as if trying to turn the page in a book. Because he has his helmet on, these actions only succeed in steaming up his vision and getting the inside of his helmet wet. He starts to bang on the door quite loudly.

RICHIE
(shouting)
Eddie! Eddie! Open this door this instant, young man, or I will NOT be held responsible for my actions.

Tries to look tough. Fails.

RICHIE
Eddie? Are you in there? Open this door right now!

CUT TO

5 INT. EDDIE'S BEDROOM STUDIO

RICHIE's shouting continues as we see a close-up of a bottle of Malibu with a straw in it and a transistor radio playing a muted version of MONEY (THAT'S WHAT I WANT) by THE FLYING LIZARDS. They're both floating and rotating in mid-air (use several GLASS SHOTS throughout this sequence). As the music continues and RICHIE's screams get fainter, we PAN ACROSS, following the straw as it gets longer and longer. In fact it's several straws, all of different colours, all attached together. After a few seconds of PANNING ACROSS it leads us to the face of EDDIE, who is louging about in mid-air, sucking on his Malibu straw and reading a worn copy of Razzle. He looks up, hears RICHIE shouting, smiles, and goes back to reading his magazine.

CUT TO

6 EXT. SPACESHIP MODEL SHOT/STUDIO

The music swells and as we hear the first chorus, we see an enormous spaceship that looks like a bone with the tip of a penis on one end. We see a tiny RICHIE moving around the spaceship looking for another door. Over this are the TITLES.

Once the TITLES end, a headless corpse of a CAT floats past the camera and cut back to RICHIE.

CUT TO

7 RICHIE AT EDDIE'S DOORWAY STUDIO

EDDIE's doorway is like a teenager's, with posters saying "KEEP OUT", "GO AWAY", "NO ENTRY TO ANYONE NAMED RICHIE", etc.

RICHIE
(to himself)
Bloody right, young man, that's it.

He gets out what looks like one of those cheap laser keyrings which is, in fact, a cheap laser keyring. He turns it on and a red laser beam pops out the end like a lightsaber, with appropriate sound effects. He uses it to cut a circular hole in the door.

CUT TO

8 INT. EDDIE'S BEDROOM STUDIO

As before. Suddenly, EDDIE hears a noise. He turns around and sees a circular hole being drilled into door. He turns to the CAMERA and makes a 'panicked' face.

CUT TO

9 EXT. EDDIE'S DOORWAY STUDIO

RICHIE finishes drilling and punches out the hole. He climbs in.

10 INT. EDDIE'S BEDROOM STUDIO

RICHIE climbs in but everything else is being sucked out. RICHIE goes into a long spiel without noticing this.

RICHIE
Now listen here, young man, It's not very funny to... (etc.)

Over this EDDIE is hanging onto the wall pipes for dear life as various non-bolted down things fly out the door.

RICHIE
(cont.)
... neither big NOR clever. What do you have to say to that?

The bottle of Malibu hits RICHIE in the face, smashing into a million pieces of soggy glass, all of which are sucked out of the hole in the door.

RICHIE
Well, that's VERY mature, isn't it?? What are you going to do next, unzip your trousers and do your elephant impression??

The copy of Razzle hits RICHIE full in the face. He pulls it off and looks at it.

RITCHIE
Phwooar!!

He breathes on his right hand before putting it down his underpants, but the magazine flies out the hole.

RITCHIE
(to magazine)
Come back!!!

The radio hits the hole, blocking it. The music stops and so does the chaos. EDDIE has a pair of pants on his head.

RICHIE
Edward Elizabeth Ndingombaba, have you just heard a SINGLE word I said?

EDDIE
(amazed that RICHIE hasn't noticed anthing that just happened; very obviously, and still with the pants on his head)
No.

RICHIE
Tcsh!! Well, anyway don't lock me outside again, (turns around; nervously) I do-o-on't think I-I-I could surv-v-v-vive outside on my ooooown.

EDDIE looks at the CAMERA in a 'what-the-blummin-crikey-is-he-on-about?'-type way.

RICHIE
So don't (slaps EDDIE) do (slap) it (slap) again (slap). Are you quite clear?

EDDIE
(confused)
No, I'm opaque.

RICHIE
(sighs)
Look, pull your pants down and let me explain.

EDDIE looks disgusted. RICHIE takes the pants of EDDIE's head, levers up EDDIE's glasses, gets out his laser pen, turns it on and pokes EDDIE in the eye with it. EDDIE screams.

EDDIE
Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahh!!!!!

EDDIE runs around the room.

RICHIE
(to CAMERA)
I try, but he just doesn't listen.

EDDIE
(calmed down, but still angry)
So it's a fight, is it????

RICHIE
Yeh. (puts up fists) Yeah, if you really wan...

He is interupted by EDDIE smashing him round the face with a steel pipe.

A long fight takes place in mid-air with EDDIE and RICHIE attacking each other with anything they can find, saucepans, paint tins, computer monitors, etc. It should look like the fight scenes in The Matrix, but hopefully done on a much smaller budget. It eventually fades to slow-motion and is performed to the tune of The Blue Danube. It looks like a cross between Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon and an episode of Captain Kremmen. At one point, RICHIE punches EDDIE in the face, causing his bloodstained teeth to fly everywhere, à la Space Truckers.

EDDIE
(looking at teeth floating around his head)
What a crap digital effect!

The fight eventually ends with EDDIE slowly moving his leg toward RICHIE's knackers. RICHIE sees this and tries to run away, but he can't move. He can only watch in horror as the boot reaches his knackers, and then he screams in agony. Using this burst of energy he grabs EDDIE's neck, pushes him against a wall and is just about to punch his face in when...

BLING! BLING!

A light flashes and a siren goes. The boys freeze and look at a monitor with the phrase 'INCOMING MESSAGE' flashing on it. RICHIE goes to it, still with EDDIE's neck in his hand. He presses a button.

RICHIE
(nervously)
H-h-h-h-h-hello?

A man appears on the screen. It is the MANAGER of the Trash Disposal Co, the logo of which is on a board behind him. He is professional and emotionless (to be played by David Sibley).

MANAGER
Ah, Cunt.

RICHIE
(hiding his bitterness)
Ahahahahaha, that's Qoo-UNT-ay.

MANAGER
I have another package for you to dispose of.

EDDIE
Aaaah no, not another one! Work, work, work, that's all we even do!

MANAGER
You haven't done a disposal for nearly eighteen months.

EDDIE
See what I mean! Can't you get someone else to do it?

RICHIE
(under his breath)
Shut up Eddie! (RICHIE removes his hand from EDDIE's neck and knees him in bollocks; EDDIE crumples to the floor) This is our chance to get back to earth! (turns to monitor; smiles smarmily) A-hah-hah-hah-hah-hah! Mr manager, sir, of COURSE we would lOOOOOve to do this disposal! I truly believe we are the best men for the job!

MANAGER
You'd better be. This is a very important assignment.

RICHIE
Ha ha ha ha ha. We underSTANd. We'll be back on Earth this time tomorrow. OK?

MANGER
See that you are.

RICHIE
Ah-ha-ha. Will do, sir (salutes).

Monitor turns the picture off and it now reads 'TRANSMISSION ENDED'. EDDIE gets up.

EDDIE
What did you do that for? I don't want to do another bloody disposal! You know I'm allergic to effort!

RICHIE
But don't you see, you foul-smelling cat-shit kebab? We go back to earth, take the assignment and then run off, taking the package with us. That way we have a fresh start and a pile of recyclable shit to survive on!!

EDDIE
But why do we WANT to go back to earth? (opens a bottle of vodka and takes a swig)

RICHIE
Why DON'T we want to go to earth?!? This is an unabridged HELL for me!! Stuck up here with you, with no jazz mags, no alcohol, no nothing!

EDDIE
Er... (puts bottle behind back; very nervously)
Yes. No alcohol. That's what I told you. And would I lie?

RICHIE looks at him, and then head-butts him. EDDIE goes down again. RICHIE looks smug, then faints.

FADE OUT

11 INT. TRASH DISPOSAL CO. OFFICES STUDIO

FADE IN

RICHIE and EDDIE are walking down the corridors with the MANAGER. RICHIE is crawling up to the MANAGER whilst EDDIE just doesn't care and occasionally takes a gulp from a bottle of gin.

MANAGER
This is a very secretive operation. You must tell no-one.

RICHIE
Oh, but of COURSE, your managerialessness. We'll be as quiet as quadraplegics, won't we Eddie?

EDDIE shrugs.

12 INT. SECRETARY'S OFFICESTUDIO

As they walk into a secretary's office, EDDIE does a double-take when he sees an empty secretary's desk.

EDDIE
(to MANAGER)
What happened to that sexy secretary you used to have?

RICHIE
Oh yes, she had that lovely blouse on, didn't she?

MANAGER
She's resting upstairs. She's pregnant.

RICHIE
Oh, how muh-ARV-ellous. How long has she been pregnant?

MANAGER
About 10 minutes. That's why she's resting.

RICHIE looks shocked at such depravity, but then get quite exited about the fact that there's a recently impregnated woman in the building. EDDIE takes another swig from his bottle as they move into the storage room.

CUT TO

13 INT. STORAGE ROOM STUDIO

They enter the storage room. It is full of boxes and trunks and bin bags full of rubbish

RICHIE
(still rabbiting on)
... and of course, on the last trip we did we only destroyed a LITTLE planet, and it wasn't inhabited anyway...

EDDIE
Except by those peace-loving people with a cure for cancer who vowed never to talk to any earthlings ever again.

RICHIE
Yes, shut up now, Eddie.

EDDIE
... not that they can do much talking now anyway...

RICHIE
Be quiet Eddie!!!

EDDIE
Not after that nuclear holocaust we created with twelve beer cans and a pair of Richie's pants...

RICHIE
Shut up!!! (he punches EDDIE; to himself) They were my best pants as well. (to MANAGER) So anyway, as I was telling you, when I was six, I my uncle used to make me ram...

MANAGER
Here it is.

RICHIE stops talking. PULL OUT to reveal EDDIE and RICHIE looking at something behind the CAMERA that bathes all three in a green glow, à la Repo Man.

EDDIE
What in the unsoiled name of Clodagh Rogers is THAT?

RICHIE
Shush Eddie! If our worthy leader wants to tell us he'll tell us. (to manager) Pray tell, sir, what IS that obj-ay d'interestriannne that's in front of us?

MANAGER
What does it matter? Just destroy it.

RICHIE
Right-o, matey-o! I mean, managerio. I mean, mr manager, sir! Aha heh ha-ha-ha!

EDDIE
Are you sure about this, Rich?

RICHIE
Sure as shit, so shuurrtt (twists EDDIE's nipples) uurrppp! (to MANAGER) Ignore him, your imperial inchargiousness, Eddie always likes to keep his options open. (thinks of big joke) Which, which, no listen to me, which is very cold on the options!!!!!! Ha ha haa ha haaa ha haa (notices nobody laughing; trails off) ha ha ha... ha.

MANAGER
(ignores him)
You leave tomorrow.

EDDIE
No we don't. You see Richie has this plan that we...

RICHIE
(hysterical)
SHUT UP EDDIE!!!! HA HA HAA HA HAA HA!!!! (punches him over and over and over again; to MANAGER) He's just joking, sir, he hasn't been the same since his mother exploded. (MANAGER looks intrigued) She had diarrhoea and constipation simulatiously. Messy business.

MANAGER
(disgusted)
He must be distraught.

RICHIE
Yes, he was, he had to buy a new sofa and everything.

EDDIE takes a final swig from the now empty gin bottle before hitting RICHIE over the head with it. RICHIE collapses. Then EDDIE collapses. MANAGER looks heavenward.

CUT TO

And there it ends.

What will happen to Eddie and Richie?

What is their mysterious cargo?

Will their film ever get commissioned?

Who the fuck cares?

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