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Hello. I'm David Quantick, deadpan comedy writer to the stars. I've written for some of the most popular shows of a decade, including The Fast Show, Smack The Pony, and The Day Today. But unfortunately, to anyone born outside of Somerset, I sound like a cross between Worzel Gummidge and the lead singer of The Troggs. Certain sneery wags have suggested that I join The Wurzels, so to shut them up, I have! Here's a sneaky peek at the lyrics to my next single, sung to the tune of 'I've Got A Brand New Combine Harvester'. Sprinkle some fairy dust on the bastard! Oo-arr!

 

I Y q u a n t i c k I'm the best writer in the UK, you know. (oo-arr, oo-arr)
I speak my mind on music over the radio. (oo-arr, oo-arr)
And I've written fer the best shows that are on the box, (oo-arr, oo-arr)
But I've got an unshown pilot I think you oughta watch.

Cos I've got a brand new Junkies pilot and I'll give you the rights,
But only if you put it on in your Friday comedy nights,
Put it 'tween Grrrrraham Nor'on and that psychiatrist bloke from Cheers,
So people can enjoy it when they've had a coupla beers.

It bain't very good but it's got Peter Baynham in it, ah-har-har!

Top Pony-Smacker Sally Phillips acts thick, (oo-arr, oo-arr)
While Peter Serafinowicz proves that his pony's one-trick. (oo-arr, oo-arr)
Well, I don't know what else 'appens coz I ain't not seen it yet, (oo-arr, oo-arr)
It takes too long to download it off the net.

Cos I've got a online Junkies pilot and I'll write five more shows,
Filled with obscure names for typesa drugs to keep you on your toes.
Cos it's so full of whimsy, it's so much much more sillier
Than t'last TV show that I wrote: a special on paedophilia.

Yer, and just look at the meedja reaction to that an' all, yah-har!

From ev'ry TV comp'ny I've been given the boot,
But I've fin'lly got a series from that controller Jane Root.
She told me to come in when others said 'on yer bike'.
She don't know much 'bout comedy and she don't know what she like!

Oh, I've got a brand new BBC series and I'm ever so pleased,
Even though it's not as good as first season Hippies.
And though it's been crit'cly slaugh'ered, I'm still full of elation...

Cos we're stuck between The Office and a Not The Nine O'Clock News compilation!

La la-la la la la la-la-la-la, la la la la la-la... etc.

 

I think it's all a bit of arse really.

 

Next week: Stuart Maconie joins Haysi Fantayzee and sings 'Lloyd Cole Knew My Father' to the tune of 'John Wayne Is Big Leggy'. With hilarious etc.

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