Written Friday 25th May 2001.

I have an idea. Write an over-the-top letter praising a series that hasn't been screened yet, put it online, and when the series airs, send it to the Radio Times and see if they print it. It's not much of an idea, obviously, but it'll do for this website. Here's the letter:

Dear Radio Times,

I am writing to congratulate you on making my Saturday evenings worthwhile. I am talking, of course, about I Love The Nineties. Stuart Maconie, Jamie Theakston, Johnny Vegas et al. made me laugh out loud with their humourous observations about the decade that taste forgot. The only fault with it is that we have to wait until 2010 for the next series!

Stuart Squidy (aged 19),

London, W1.

So there you go. The pseudonym is my tribute to Mr Maconie. Join me again in the autumn to see if this gets printed in Nicholas Brett's Ali G fanzine. In the meantime, why not visit the BBC's "I Love..." site for more nostalgic bollocks? Because it's a waste of time, that's why.

Thanks to Mike and Alison for giving me the idea and for writing the funny bits.

UPDATE: Saturday 18th August 2001.

Well, 'I Love 1990' is on right now, and it came down to all expectations. As I type, a bunch of British morons are badly quoting Joe Pesci in Goodfellas. "Do I amuse you?". Ha. They wish. Anyway, Theakston and Maconie haven't appeared yet, amazingly, so I may have to rewrite my letter if they don't turn up in the next nine weeks. Fat chance. If all episodes go out weekly the final show will go out on the 20th October. Ah, 1999. I remember it like it was two years ago.

Kinda looking forward to The Weakest Link: Comedians Special, however.

UPDATE: Saturday 25th August 2001.

'I Love 1991'? No I don't. No-one does. Certainly not Bob Reeves and Vic Mortimer, who are telling awful jokes using 'Cock-er-ney' accents and the word 'shit' instead of an outdated thing that I used to like called 'humour'. Comedy? That's so 1983! Theakston and Maconie still haven't turned up, causing mixed feelings. If they're not in it I have to rewrite my letter. If they are in it then it's the end of entertainment being made by the BBC. Terry Christian's plumbing the depths though.

It's still not as depressing as The Weakest Link: Comedians Special, which was the worst programme I've seen for years. Well, days anyway. Dave Gorman. What an idiotic twat (and that's me being restrained). Are Ed Byrne and Nina Wadia a couple? They were on The Other Half Celebrity Special in a role previously taken by Paul Daniels and Debbie McGee, and she made remarks about cutting Ed's hair. Oh well.

Oh fuck, Mel and Sue are talking about ice cream. What time's Edinburgh Or Bust on?

Christ, Edinburgh Or Bust. I really must stop looking forward to bad programmes, but I guess I never will. Oh well. When's the next series of Hippies?

POST-SHOW UPDATE: Richard Blackwood is a cunt. No reasons needed.

UPDATE: Saturday 1st September 2001.

'I Love 1992'. It's beyond comment.

Except for "Take That? Fuck off!".

And it's "Party TIME, excellent!", not "Party ON, excellent!", you promo-producing cretins. And it's "Schwing!", not "Swing!". More gutteral, more Jewish. I know it's pedantic, but for a show who's sole purpose is to describe eight things that happened in a year, it can't be that hard for the researchers to have a quick glance at the Wayne's World two-DVD box set before writing the fuckers.

Gladiators? Fuck off!

Hey, Emma Kennedy's just said there was a Gladiator called 'Squid'! Ha ha, bloody great. I'm a Gladiator in Emma Kennedy's eyes. That's cheered me up immensely. I've always liked Emma Kennedy. Great Bart Simpson impression too, Emm, if you're reading this. But "Bette Midler on acid", that's fucking inexcusable.

Hmm, same Mike Myers on 'Wacaday' clip as on '100 Greatest Kids TV Shows' too. Peculiar.

Hey! Stop quoting Wayne's World, you cunts! Everyone knows the best line in the film is "No Stairway! Denied!". Oh, they've just shown it. In context. Well, good for them. Doesn't make up for a decade of Del-boy falling through the bar, however.

Same Heineken 'Dancing Flower' ad from 'I Love 1988'. They're getting lazier...

Debra Stephenson? Fuck off!!

I've just been reminded of the time I saw Quentin Tarantino introduce Abbott And Costello Meet Frankenstein at the NFT. Illiterate fool, he could barely speak. The whole theatre was full of children not knowing or caring who he was and desperately wanting the film to start. Ha. Bloody great. NFT2 as well. The smaller one. I got NFT1 for my Bar Mitzvah. So there, Quentie. [feeling smug]

A Billy Ray Cyrus retrospective? Oh dear...

Aaah, look at John Plowman's little face, bless. Nice promo for the new series of Ab Fab. Why wasn't Jennifer Saunders available to interview? Too busy bathing in DVD royalties, I suspect. I mean, even Julia Sawalha peeled off Richard Herring's face for a few minutes to say a couple of words.

Femidoms?!? That's it, I'm asking for my licence fee money back ...*

Seriously, how can they do 'I Love 1999' with a straight face? What happened in 1999 that's not happening now? Why not just remember today? By going outside and having a look around.

And Theaks and Maccas still haven't appeared. But Vernon Kay (who he?) makes up with more than enough banality for them both.

*Yeah, I know it's not in the right place but it's a good way to end that section of the article. If you wish to complain write to the Radio Times.

UPDATE: Saturday 8th September 2001.

'I Love 1993'. Barely worth me opening Microsoft Frontpage Express.

BUTTHEAD: Hey Beavis, check it out: "I Love 1993".
BEAVIS: Well, I think it sucks.

'Nuff said. Made me giggle.

Oh fuck, John Maloney's got an accordion. In much the same way Germany had Auschwitz.

Beavis and Butthead are taking the piss out of one of the pretentious contributors who was bollocking on about The X-Files being realistic. Beavis is repeating what he said in a silly voice! FUCKING GREAT!!! Now THAT'S entertainment.

I must stop giggling at Tony Blackburn and Jenny Eclair talking about willies. Very immature. Naughty Squidy. Slap on wrist. Huh-huh, I said "wrist". Huh-huh.

Oh no, NOBODY should reminise about Mr Blobby, especially when they've just had him on Jim Davidson's Generation game a few hours ago with no fucking irony.

Beavis doing an impression of Mr Blobby. Fanfuckingtastic.

Hold on, tattoos? That wasn't unique to 1993, surely? Incidentally, aren't piercing yucky? I was put off after seeing the penis ring demonstration on Jack Dee's Happy Hour. And this month's MAD Magazine has a nice article on it too. Actually it's not nice, it's fucking disgusting. Do-It-Youself Home Tattoo Kit with pre-shaved practise cat? Bloody hell, that's fucking tastless. But I suppose that's what MAD's about. But I digress. Back to 1993. Erm... oh, look, it's Eternal, now there's something deeply clever and satirical that I can say about... um...

Beavis and Butthead are so bored by this show they're playing card games.

Beavis just tried to say "Gerootcha". Weird.

Butthead just said "Bag of shite". Odd. But funny.

Simon Grenall's got quite a normal voice in real life. And Felicity Montague looks younger than she did in I'm Alan Partridge. Well well well.

Beavis is singing Shaggy's "Mr Bombastic". Funny. But odd.

Um...

Beavis has just considered sleeping with Robert Redford for one million dollars, only to receive a severe slapping from Butthead. I can't take Indecent Proposal seriously due to it starring the bartender from Cheers. Ruined Natural Born Killers for me too. Great MAD spoof though.

Butthead has just called Peter Stringfellow "the creepiest looking person I've ever seen".

Well, it's quite clear that Beavis and Butthead are the best thing about this show, so I've had a great idea for a show: BEAVIS AND BUTTHEAD UNPLANNED!!!! Picture it. Two talentless twats sit on a coach and swear and laugh and are much funnier than anything else on TV at the moment.

Speaking of talentless twats, Theakston and Maconie (who is in fact a talented twat) are still AWOL. But I'm starting not to care. To quote Beavis: "The present sucks".

UPDATE: Saturday 15th September 2001.

I Love 1994'. Missed it. Sorry.

And 'I Love 1995' is not on next week because of opera and tennis, the two worst things in the world.

UPDATE: Saturday 6th October 2001.

Have you missed me? I missed you. I also missed 'I Love 1995' but Theakston was supposedly on it trashing Edwyn Collins.

Am watching 'I Love 1996' right now. The Spice Girls. Jesus. And all the contributors are doing their "Posh Spice wasn't really posh" material from five years ago. It wasn't funny then.

'This Life'. Didn't watch any of it. Ho-hum. Adam and Joe's toy spoof of it was quite good though. Egg was quite literally an egg.

Toy Story! Brilliant. And the clips look beautiful. This makes me want to watch it all over again, with no interruptions from Jenny Powell, Richard Morton and Adam Bloom, for fuck's sake.

Football now. Wake me up in five minutes...

'The Girlie Show'. Back to sleepy-byes.

Trainspotting. Haven't seen this either. But Adam and Joe did -- AAAAAAAARGHHH! Sorry, there was a quick cut to Marcus Brigstocke's face and it gave me a bit of a shock. Where was I? Oh yes, Adam and Joe did a funny toy movie spoof of this too. Opened their series with it, I think. Hey, Blondie's Atomic playing in the background, great. Phwoarr, Kelly MacDonald, eh? Oh look, Ewan MacGregor's got his cock out. Again. Hold on, full frontal male nudity? At quarter to ten on BBC2? Is that allowed? Where did I put Mary Whitehouse's phone number? Oh yes, I sent it to Victor Lewis-Smith. Gosh, my stream-of-consiousness...

The Macarena. Quite. Wasn't this already done in Top Ten: Really Annoying Records on Channel Four? (Don't bother e-mailing me the answer, it was rhetorical.)

Oh look, they're doing the 'Lara Croft makes orgasmic noises when she runs into walls' jokes, presumably to celebrate their fifth anniversary.

Incidentally, it was my birthday yesterday. So I'll have to change the end of my letter as I am no longer nineteen, n-n-n-n-n-n-nineteen. Um, no, I'm twenty.

Stuart Maconie's not going to appear, is he? Oh well. See you next week to reminince about nothing of any great interest. In 1997!!! [hysterical laughter]

UPDATE: Saturday 13th October 2001.

'I Love 1997'. The Full Monty, Teletubbies, thongs (thongs?), Melinda Messenger, Bridget Jones' Diary, blah, blah, blah, the same old bollocks.

No 'I Love 1998' (98!!!) next week coz of the snooker already.

UPDATE: Saturday 27th October 2001.

'I Love 1998'. Missed it. Will post my letter on Saturday before 'I Love 1999' airs. Can't think of anything else to type. Do do do, da da da, and so on and so on and etc.

Oh yeah, and the letter's now changed to:

Dear Radio Times,

I am writing to congratulate you on making my Saturday evenings worthwhile. I am talking, of course, about I Love The Nineties. Johnny Vegas, Emma Kennedy, Vernon Kay et al. made me laugh out loud with their humourous observations about the decade that taste forgot. The only fault with it is that we have to wait until 2010 for the next series!

Stuart Squidy (aged 20),

London, W1.

So there you are. I've also just realised that if my letter doesn't get printed then this page has been a complete waste of everybody's time. Ah well.

UPDATE: Saturday 27th October 2001.

I sent this letter this morning:

'I Love 1999999999' was as good as I expected, i.e. not very. The ending was very odd: Clips from each previous 'I Love...' show accompanied by Baz Luhrman's 'Sunscreen' song were shown, including the titles, and I suddenly felt a great sadness as I realised that there would never be another 'I Love...' show ever again. But as the tears welled up, a BBC announcer said that 'I Love Blue Peter' will be on in two weeks. So there you are. Dum de dum. Erm...

Christ, it's hard to think of stuff to type up here....

UPDATE: Tuesday 1st January 2002.

Happy New Year.

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