A personal vanity project written by Eric Idle and only of interest to two or three people.

It was back in 1976 whilst directing two short films for Saturday Night Live ("Peanut Farming" and "Monkey Tennis", starring the lovely Danny Aykroyd) when I first had my brilliant idea for The Rutles, for which I am currently writing a sequel. I was listening to a whole buncha tapes by Neil Innes, who later wrote all the tunes for The Rutles, and will not be mentioned again in this article, at least not favourably.

And no, he won't be writing any new songs for the sequel.

I started to write this brilliant parody on my own, with no help or inspiration from Neil Innes, the Beatles, or any of those Python bastards, after Gary Weis suggested I make a Beatles spoof for NBC (What's that? Rutland Weekend what?). I choose to make it with NBC rather than the BBC immediately because the BBC are bastards. They gave me a miniscule budget and full artistic freedom so I could make Rutland Weekend Television. And when was the last time you saw THAT on television! That's why I prefer the Hollywood system where I can make artistically worthwhile projects like Missing Pieces and Burn, Hollywood, Burn: An Alan Smithee Film. I decided to direct this Rutle film myself, but then I courteously let Gary Weis co-direct once I realised he was giving us all the money. Because I was in charge, I chose to cast all my showbiz pals: Danny Aykroyd, Billy Murray, Georgie Harrison (Dear Georgie and his lovely wife Olivia loved the project from the word go, and they really want to be involved in the sequel), the now-sadly-dead Johnny Belushi, the now-sadly-alive Barry Cryer, Ronnie-ie Wood, the marvelously talented Stevie Martin, and some talentless fuckwit called Michael Palin.

Steve Martin wasn't in it actually but I was having an classy and expensive tete-a-tete with Stevie by my new swimming pool extention and, whilst chewing on some lobster thermidor, he said that he would have absolutely llllllLOVED to have been in my movie, so I've given him a part as a Epstein-esque manager in the sequel (did I mention I was making a sequel?).

In this movie, I decided to interview two REAL stars, Mickey Jagger and Pauly Simon, both of whom I'm still in touch with and see quite regularly. That reminds me, Paul and Edie invited Tania and I for lunch next friday, and Mick and Dave (Bowie) will be there. Must remember to keep friday clear.

Mick and Paul's interviews were quite astonishing because they were in fact discussing The Beatles but changing the names and places and blah blah blah blah-de-blah blah blah. A funny incident occured during these interviews when Mick called "Sgt. Rutter" "Sgt. Rutland"! We still laugh about that to this day!

[NOTE TO SELF: Haven't trashed that bastard Innes for a while. I'll do it this paragraph.]

Whilst the lazy, unprofessional Innes was lounging about in London, drinking tea and writing 14 high-quality Beatles parodies in a week, I continued to write the film even though my bowels had just exploded. THAT'S professionalism! I was recovering in hospital, my colon full of faeces that I was unable to pass. Paul (Simon, not McCartney! Even though both have agreed to appear in my Rutles sequel, coming to home-video soon) came to visit one day with a bunch of bananas, asking how I was. I told him I'd feel much better if I could go to the lav. "Well," Paul said, "why don't you just stick these bananas up your arse!" It was like being in a room with Oscar Wilde (a Monny Pytharn sketch that Jim Yoakum really likes, but more on him later)!!! It was laughing so much I quite literally shat myself!!! I thanked Paul but he was too busy vomiting, from laughing too much I presume!! I must remember to remind him of this made-up anecdote at lunch next friday.

[NOTE TO SELF: What a fantastic paragraph! Really disgusting and Pythonesque. Maybe type parts of it up in an odd font, like Jimmy Yoakum does!]

I lost a lot of weight in hospital, but it helped me play the youthful Dirk McQuickley. That reminds me, it was in hospital I planned to take that part instead of Innes' friend Ollie Halsell, but he was more that happy just to sing the songs and play guitar, and so he should've been! I was happy too, as he'd do all the hard work and I'd get all the credit. He's dead now sadly. Now he can't sing for me in the sequel. I'm going to do it myself, however, because now I'm older, my voice has matured and I've become more egotistical.

Together with two other people who I have to acknowledge, we became the Rutles, and got Gary to film us running around London in black-and-white. It was shot on 16 millimeter film rather than 35mm because we're cheap bastards, and edited on video because I'm a lazy twot who doesn't give two turds about quality.

I cast my wife Tania in several roles for three reasons: 1) She worked for free, 2) No-one else wanted the parts, and 3) I was fucking her. I also believe she's more than just a pair of tits and is clearly a very talented actress. That's why I cast her as a model, a sleeping girl in a bikini, and a non-speaking hooker.

After filming was completed, Innes fucked off pretty sharpish merely because I told him to. Unhelpful bastard. I cut one of his songs though, that'll show him. Just me and the lovely and generous Gary were watching the rough cut (see, I know all the movie terminology!) and we (that is to say I) decided that it need a little more 'omphh', so I quickly wrote a scene with Johnny Belushi as an Alein Kline-esque figure in about ten minutes, and it shows. And STILL nobody's noticed it's just a piss-poor rehash of Monty Python's Piranha Brothers! I wrote something else with Gilda Radner, which I don't think really worked as I wanted it to, as she got more laughs than I did. Ditto Bill Murray's ad-libbing, but I kept it in because of that brilliant name I thought up. Bill Murray + Murray The K = Bill Murray The K!!! And they say that John Cleese was they genius behing Python. Bastards. They'll probably trash my Rutles sequel too. Fucking critics, what gives anyone the right to call people pointless assholes? I think they're a bunch of pointless assholes! Splitting Heirs was a good film, a GOOD FILM, for fuck's sake! And still they fucking trash it!!! They killed my career in Hollywood, the fuckers!! They cancelled Suddenly Susan!!! They fucking cancelled SUDDENLY SUSAN, for Christ's sake!! Jesus!! Have they no sense of humor?!?!? BASTARDS!!!! Oh, I've got a headache now, I think I'll have an aspirin and a lie-down...

[Although, to be fair, the Play Songs Only feature is fantastic. 25 uninterrupted minutes of Neil Innes singing his own songs in 5.1 surround sound. Lovely. - Squidy]

In September 1977, I flew out to California to George and Olivia in LA, showing a rough cut to both him and Derek Taylor, who was now a VP at Warner Brothers [Actual quote that one - Squidy]. Derek loved the film, well he had to, otherwise George Harrison would have thought he was a humorless bastard. He produced hundreds of promo pieces for the film, postcards and the like, destroying hundreds of acres of forests just to send some soul-less media execs some flyers with "I Love Dirk" written on them. I will always thank him for that. It's also no coincidence that Innes' flyers said "Ron is Nasty" on them! Ha, ha, I got him good that time! Heh.

Anyway, the film had been finished being edited on tape, and we were ready to show it to some execs. However, cos it was on tape not film we couldn't project it without it looking like shit. Still, doesn't bother me as long as I get the money. Incidentally, the sequel will be shot on FRV, which is MUCH better than film, in that it's cheaper. The preview was shown in a cutting room (hey, it was cheaper than renting a theater!) in Times Square to some faceless producers, publicists and media bastards (my kind of people!!). I showed them the film and they hated it. But because it was cheap, and because they've got 24 hours of air space to fill, they all bought it. Publicist Bobbie Zarem was so knocked out with the viewing that he gave a copy to his good friend Frank Rich, Time Magazine's then TV critic, who went out of his way to savagely tear it apart the next week immediately before we aired. Cunt. Still he's dead now, and I'm alive. Thus I win.

The BBC showed it a few days later with cuts but who cares? As long as I get my check.

People never ask "How did the Beatles react?" but because it allows me to mention me rubbing shoulders with so celebrities I'll answer it anyway. George loved it all except the music (written by Innes, remember) and then he shouted [NOTE TO SELF: Remember to make up something that G.H. might have said, and tie it in with Innes getting sued]. Anyway, Innes' shameless ripping off of the Beatles tunes cost him a fortune and his reputation. Good. But for some reason, all Rutles songs now have to be credited as being "Written by John Lennon, Paul McCartney, and Neil Innes". Bastard. I've never been credited as a co-writer for anyone remotely famous. But I have met George Harrison. AND he showed me the Beatles Anthology rough cut before ANYBODY ELSE! So there, so-called Beatle-fans, stick that up your Badfinger bootlegs! And I wrote a spoof of it twenty years before anyone had even seen it, including me!! I am a genius!

Ringo told me he liked the Rutles, but then he wouldn't say he hated them to my face, would he? Crap drummer too. Paul hated it but didn't say so, the humorless tosser, although Linda liked it. But then, she likes vegetarian quiche. And now she's dead. Like my career. Sigh.

John liked it, but he was on drugs 99% of the time. Yoko liked it despite the fact that I called her a pretentious Lennon-fucking Nazi, the silly cow. If you attached a note saying "STUPID SLITTY-EYED BEATLE-KILLING BITCH" to a brick and hurled it at her head from point blank rage, she'd thank you for giving her a fashionable forehead bruise.

The Rutles was a fun project from start to finish, except for the writing, the filming, the acting, the directing, the editing, the promoting and the film itself. And Neil Innes' fucking songs! Anyway, who cares? I invented the 'mock rockumentary' and therefore Rob Reiner owes me 50% of all the profits of This Is Spinal Tap. Oh, sod it, make it 100%. Maybe I'll sue him. Hmmmm...

Now for the unpleasantness. In 1997 Neil 'Cunt' Innes wrote and produced a new Rutles Album called Archaeology. How dare he? How FUCKING dare he?!? How fucking dare he exploit the "Rutle" name by pouring his heart and soul into writing and producing a superbly-presented album with well-written, original songs and great performances from professional and talented musicians??? What a complete bastard! I'M the only one allowed to exploit the Rutles name, and only on artistic worthwhile projects like my 'Eric Idle Kills Monny Pytharn' CD (see ad below). But Innes' album! I NEVER wanted that! That's why I tried to kill all interest in future Rutle songs with my Dirk and Stig single Ging Gang Goolie/Mr Sheene. And it WORKED, dammit, for a good 15 years, but that fucking Innes bastard.... God, I'm pissed! Still, I sued him good. Oh yes. I sued him VERY good. He won't stop buying economy brands for a good few decades, that's for damn sure, heh heh heh.

The Rutles should have been killed off ages ago but if Innes can make money with the Rutles name so can I. I'm currently writing a sequel (I don't know if I've mentioned this) which will star none of the original Rutles cast except the great one, i.e. me! It will have boring, pretentious, and badly ad-libbed cameos from George Harrison, David Bowie, Danny Aykroyd, Steve Martin, Adam Sandler, that guy who sang 'The Streak', Leslie Nielsen, Peter Crabbe, the late John Lennon, Rick Moranis, Gwen Taylor (just joking, folks! She's actually funny and talented and therefore would be quite out of place in this film!), Carrie Fisher, Elliot Gould, Squidy, William Shatner and the most important member of the cast, the man without whom there would be no new Rutles film, ME! Original music and songs will be written and performed by Jim Yoakum's band The Raves (Keep letting me write those intros for your books Jim! No, really, PLEASE keep letting me write those intros for your books. I don't need the money but I am very greedy). The script will be written by me the day before shooting on the back of a Room Service menu from the Plaza Hotel . It will also feature some outtakes from the original film. I found a complete set of rushes in a big box in Rhino's vaults marked 'KIDS IN THE HALL TRAILS' and next week I'll go through them all, cut out all the crappy bits, and put them into the film. The rest will be sent to Roger Saunders at Python Productions in England, who will watch them, label them very carefully, and then he'll say they're "unimportant" and "only of interest to anoraks, Neil Innes fans, Monty Python fans, and everyone else" before burning them.

But perhaps the most important part of my career was when I fucked Elvis Presley up the ass on the top of the Hollywood sign. But that's another story...

[NOTE TO SELF: If that won't get the whole of my book commissioned, nothing will!]

- 'Chapter 7: All You Need Is Lots And Lots Of Ill-Gotten Cash' taken from "Say No More, No, Please, Say No More: The Uncommissioned Autobiography Of The Least Likeable Python", to be published when some dicksuck publisher realises it'll be bought by a million non-discriminating American 'Monny Pytharn'-fans who'd buy a rotting dog carcass if it had the word "SPAM" printed on it. And speak of the devil, The Rutles: A Shameless Cash-In should be out on NTSC video and Region 1 DVD in the fall.

Or rather, it shouldn't.

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AN APOLOGY: I wish to apologise to all Eric Idle fans who have just read the preceeding article. Nearly none of it is true, Eric Idle is probably a lovely bloke, and he wrote at least a fifth of Monty Python's Flying Circus, which was very good indeed. His reading of the line "He writes the lyrics, Burt just writes the tunes, only now he's married to Carol Bayer-Sager" will get him into Comedy Heaven alone. He's also apparently made up with Neil Innes, so good for him. I like Eric Idle, and I enjoyed Splitting Heirs. Seriously! It's nowhere near as bad as it's reputation implies. So why did I write this article? Because Eric Idle has let me down. The man who wrote the line "'A shroe, a shroe, My dingkom for a shroe" should not be appearing in Joe Estahaus films. Eric Idle, if you're reading this, look at yourself. What made you say 'yes' to Casper? You should stop just reading the cheques and pay more attention to the scripts. Do you know how much pain it causes us Python fans to see you in Suddenly Susan? It's like seeing your five-year old sister marrying Gary Glitter. You were in The Rutles, Eric, you don't deserve to be dancing with Kathy Griffin! She was in It's Pat: The Movie, for fuck's sake! Come back to England, have a friendly lunch with Michael Palin, and offer him a role in your movie adaptation of The Road To Mars (I know you've written one). You should be able to get studio backing for it in a year or two when they start filming The Hitch-Hiker's Guide To The Galaxy and Hollywood goes crazy for comedy sci-fi novels written by British comedians. Maybe get Terry Jones to direct. Pull your life together Eric and make some entertaining projects rather than exploitative money-making ones, such as a Rutles sequel with no involvement from Neil Innes (Speaking of which, why? Are you insane? That's like a Marx Brothers film without Groucho. Or a Monty Python reunion without Eric Idle.).

Yours, Living in hope - Squidy.