proudly presents

THE

KIT

Yes, YOU can be the producer/director/writer of your own sketch show! And all for absolutely FREE! All you need to do is print out this webpage, cut out the figures and sets, stick them onto thin cardboard, fold across the lines, follow the script-writing tips and voila! Start filming your pilot and you'll have your own show on BBC2 or Channel 4 in no time*!

* The Create Your Own Sketch Show Kit holds no responsibility if your show ends up on late night Channel 5.

THE CAST

Select only one of these preselected actors/actresses from each category and place in your cast.

Disclaimer: Select no more than one from each category for the perfect balance. The three actor/actresses in each category are completely interchangeable. Only these 28 preselected actors/actresses may be used in your show. The Create Your Own Sketch Show Kit holds no responsibility for low ratings due to bad casting or original thought.

(Fold back flap at bottom to stand up the figures)

• Talentless yet attractive male (each with identical voices):

[Do people find him attractive? I think he looks like Frankenstein's Monster.]

• Talentless yet attractive female (each with slightly posh accent):

• Slightly less attractive but slightly more talented character actor:

• Slightly less attractive but slightly more talented character actress:

[I think it's worth pointing out that Emma Pierson was one of the Saucy Love Nymphs in Richie's dream in Guest House Paradiso. She's the one who gets her line wrong in the out-takes. Her only line was "No, other love-nymphs, first let us open our magic fairy briefcases and shower our lord with bundles of unmarked tenners... erotically." Not very funny admittedly, but it pisses over Days Like These Bedtime. - Squidy]

• Extremely talented but uncastable male:

Hugh Dennis optional extra:

• Extremely talented but uncastable female:

• Obligatory old bloke who appeared on an entertaining show in the seventies:

[NB: If you select
Stephen Lewis, don't
forget to use the
phrase "I 'ate you,
Butler" as a
punchline.]

• Token visable minority:

• End-of-series cameo by someone who has a contract with the television station (NOTE: BBC only):

[NB: If you select
Anne Robinson,
don't forget to use
that phrase as a
punchline... you know
the one I mean.]

• Annoying fat cunt who pops up every so often, says nothing that's funny, and then fucks off again for no apparent reason:

THE SETS

(Score along thick black lines and fold sides in to stand up.)

[Looks uncannily like Big Train, doesn't it?]

• Stylish yet affordable apartment

• Office

• Hospital

• Bedroom (for the more risqué sketches)

• Music video parody

• Office again, but from a different angle

TOPICS FOR JOKES

Get any of your actors to say these over and over to guarantee a response from your pre-recorded laughter track [not included].

• The internet (slash, dot com, etc.)

• TV programmes (Animal Hospital, Ground Force, etc.)

• Old, and therefore bad, TV programmes (Skippy The Bush Kangeroo, Prisoner Cell Block H, etc.)

• Tampons

• The Weakest Link ("Goodbye!")

• The Royal Family

• The Royle Family

• Mobile phones (in cinemas, on trains, etc.)

• Titanic

• The Beckams (He's thick, she's thin!!!!)

• Star Wars ('May the Force be with you', The Phantom Menace is crap, etc.)

• Babies

• The Queen Mum (She's really old!!!)

• Prince Charles (He speaks funny and his wife's dead!!!)

• Penguins

• "Can I phone a friend?"

• The Matrix

• The Millennium Dome [NOTE: jokes about this may not work after 1st January 2001]

• Carry On Camping (It's shit, isn't it!!!!)

• Cot death (that's the 'dark' element: essential for every new comedy show)

• Timmy Mallett

• Pokémon

• Satire (Mandelson is gay, Major is grey, Hague is bald, etc.)

• The Spice Girls

• Everything else that has ever existed in the world ever.

WITTY AND ORIGINAL JOKE-FILLED SCRIPT

I'm sorry, did someone say something?

SWEARING AND SEX

Include lots of swearing and sex in your show for the 18-25 age range who, as every media whore knows, are a bunch of pissed-up Loaded readers. They fucking love it. Fancy a shag?

[See. Just like that.]

FILMING

Shoot it in 16:9 on field-removed with a digicam. That way people will think it's film (people are stupid) and you can use lots of cheap, horrible-looking digital effects like bleaching, strobing, sepia, stretching and solarization and people will go 'oooooh' and think that it's great despite these visual tricks being used to greater effect thirty years ago on 35mm film. (See 2001 and Head.)

THE CREDITS

Run these at breakneck speed over a crap closing sketch, preferably about a car. Since nobody reads credits anyway, you can make up most of the names. Remember: the more writers you credit, the more professional your show will look. You should always name around seventeen.

THAT'S A WRAP

Congratulations. You have finished your pilot. Copy it onto several tapes and send them to the following companies:

• BBC1

• BBC2

• Channel 4

• E4

• Talkback

• Hat Trick

• Channel 5

• Granada

• Anglia

• Paramount

• Dom Joly

• Fox

• Adam and Joe's Takeover TV (NOTE: only as a last resort)

• Sky TV (NOTE: ditto)

Remember: do NOT send your tape to ITV. Not even as a last resort. I could tell you the reasons why, but they are too horrific to contemplate.

What people have said about The Create Your Own Sketch Show Kit:

"Thanks to your Create Your Own Sketch Show Kit, I'm now a highly-paid producer for Talkback without ever working on a successful or particularly entertaining programme! Cheers!"

- Victoria P., producer "Spanky The Weasel".

"Thanks, Create Your Own Sketch Show Kit, for making me the Comedy God™ I am! If it wasn't for you, I'd still be doing stand-up in Nottingham with Tim Vine!"

- Simon P., actor "We Know Where You Live", "A Big Bunch Of Hippies".

"It's certainly made my life easier!"

- Jane R., head of BBC3 (soon), commissioned "Big Train", "Goodies Night", "jam".

"It's certainly helped me with my new series! Well, it's not a series yet, it's just sketches. No, actually, it's a pilot. No, be honest, it's sketches."

- Armando I., producer "Saturday/Friday/Election/Hannukah Night Armistice".

"fuck off, you cunts"

-Christopher M., producer "The 11 O'Clock Show".

Coming soon: The Create Your Own Sit-Com Kit, with FREE Neil Morrissey figurine, and another one of Simon Pegg.

hmmmm....

Back to

or