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Silly theme. Title card.

JAMIE THEAKSTON:
(sitting in a bath holding a rubber duck with horns and a trident)
As John Paul-George-Sartre once said, 'Hell is being trapped in a pub with some people you don't really like'. But as this next batch proves, hell (pause; smirks) is these shows.

Silly theme. 'NUMBER 23' caption.
Brief shot of title sequence from THE GOODIES (3 secs)

JAMIE THICKSTON (v/o):
Yes, it's the televisual equivent of Spangles, only these Goodies were Baddie for the brain, not the teeth.

RICKY GERVAIS:
Yer, the Goodies. I never watched it when it was on, it was a kids' show, wunnit.

Shot of that hairy one pulling a silly face (2 secs)

RICKY GITFACE (cont):
An' even though I was actually a kid at the time, I watched more mature programmes, y'know, like Python, which was actually a bit shit when you look at it today, even though I don't.

Shot of kitten falling off the Post Office Tower for some reason. CAPTION: 'The Goodies ran for five series between 1956 and 1992. It starred Graeme Norton, Tim Brooke, and Steve Coogan.'(6 secs)

IAIN LEE:
It was mainly stupid, running-about nonsense, really, wasn't it? No, really, was it? I honestly can't remember.

Shot of stupid, running-about nonsense overdubbed with copyright-free version of Yaketty Sax (4 secs)

IAIN LEEVEMEALONEORILLCALLTHEPOLICE:
Fork handles? Was that them?

Shot of Goodies blacking up, or hitting wogs, or something that looks racist when taken out of context (5 secs)

MEERA SYAL:
The Goodies was a constant source of hell for me. When I was at school, all the kids used to bully me. Racially. And it was all because of The Goddies.

Shot of Goodies being racist. CAPTION: 'The Goodies were often rapped by the ITC for overt racism, yes they were, probably. Because of this, after series 12, they were never allowed to go out live or before half past midnight.'(8 secs)

MEERA SYLLYCOW (cont):
They all used to call me "Twat", "Ugly", "Dickhead", and "Spastic". You know, racist abuse. And that was just the teachers. And I truly believe, to this day, that it was because of the 'Black-And-White Menstrual' episode of The Doggies that was shown several months later. This is because I am genuinely stupid.

Silly theme. Title card.

JAMIE THEAKSTON (v/o):
After the break...

Shot of BLAKE'S 7 (4 secs)

JAMIE SQEAKSTON (v/o; cont):
... Doctor Who. He could travel through time and space but he couldn't stop the walls from wobbling in his Tardis...

Shot of that bloke who speaks in spoonerisms from COLD LAZARUS (3 secs)

JAMIE TWATSTAIN (v/o; cont):
... Dennis Potter is dead, so we can say what we like about the talentless drunk old paedophile...

Shot of John Cleese hitting a parrot against a desk, quickly followed by Michael Palin saying 'Hello formicidiphiles!' (mute) (6 secs)

JAMIE THEAKSDOWNTHEPUBBUTWEREALREADYDOWNTHEPUBWELLLETSGOFURTHERDOWNTHEPUB(v/o; cunt):
... and Monty Python: Was only 23% was any good when you look at it?

Cut to the great British public bursting into a Channel 4's London HQ brandishing machine guns. They gun down Jamie Theakston whilst stating "Of course not, you fool, it was all great". Theakston pulls a silly face and dies. Title card. Silly theme ends. 12 minutes of adverts.