SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE
with guest host William Shatner
Broadcast live from New York on Saturday, the twentieth of December, 1986.
CAST:
Ears.....Jon Lovitz
Charlie.....Dana Carvey
Artie.....Kevin Nealon
Emcee.....Phil Hartman
Himself.....William Shatner
Second Emcee.....A. Whitney Brown
William Shatner: Thank you! Thank you very
much! Thank you! Hey! First of all, I want to say it's quite a
thrill to be hosting the show tonight, it's a nice way to cap off
a great year for me! Yeah! "Star Trek IV" has turned
out to be a huge hit.... [ applause ] Yuh! And I can
only hope that "T.J. Hooker IV" does half as well!
Actually, I'm very proud of our new movie because... uh...
y'know... in making a film about the threatened extinction of the
whales, we were trying to make an important... an important
statement. And that is, a sequel can be just as successful as its
original. [ flat joke, subdued applause ]
You know, it still amazes me that the uh... the influence the
series has. It's now been shown in over a hundred countries and
of course each country translates it to fit their own culture.
For example, in Japan, I understand it's called, "Sulu,
Master of Navigation." [ polite titters of laughter] So
it's truly worldwide.
And one of the most interesting aspects of the "Star
Trek" phenomenon has to be the conventions... with all the
Trekkies and Trekkettes and the Trek-kores and... I mean they're
truly incredible, and I hope they have a sense of humor about
this show tonight or... I'm in deep trouble! Anyway, I thought
you might like to see what one of these conventions... MIGHT be
like....
[ open on an exterior shot of the "Holiday Inn"
with a sign reading "Welcome Trekkers." ]
[ dissolve inside ]
[ A sign on the wall reads "16th Annual Star Trek
Convention -- 1986" ]
Ears: Charlie! Check this out!
Charlie: [ wearing "I Grok Spock"
t-shirt ] Oh, outstanding, man!
Ears: Original cast photo, right before they
added Chekhov!
Charlie: Oh, how much was it?
Ears: Sixty dollars!
Charlie: Ohhh.... They got any left?
Loudspeaker: Attention Trekkers, now available
in the Hamilton Room... copies of DeForest Kelley's single
record, "He's Dead, Jim." Right now, in the Hamilton
Room.
Artie: [ making the Vulcan "peace
sign" ] Hey guys!
Charlie & Ears: Hey Artie!
Artie: How you guys doing on the trivia quiz?
Charlie: Aw, since you... hey, you got Khan's
middle name?
Artie: [ smugly ] Noonian!
Charlie: Yeoman Rand's cabin number?
Artie: Y3-90!
[ Charlie and Ears snicker knowingly to each other. ]
Artie: What? Am I wrong? Am I wrong?
[ more snickers ]
Emcee: Attention! Attention! Hello everybody!
Welcome to Day 4 of the 16th Annual Star Trek Convention... Well!
...here in Rye, New York. A few announcements.... Ah... first...
ah... a wonderful new... ah... item has just been added to the
convention. It's a program from the 1975 convention!
Trekkies: Oooo! Ahhh!
Emcee: Yeah! It's a very special item, I'm sure
you'll enjoy it, and it's ONLY... thirty dollars.
Secondly, we have some exciting guests at the convention today,
so let me introduce them to you right now. First, we have the
lovely actress Julie Cobb. Now you all remember her as Yeoman
Leslie Thompson from the first ten minutes of Episode 51,
"Errand of Mercy"... in which she was transformed into
a cube... and crushed!
And next up is Pamela Denberg Doohan, the ex-wife of course of
James "Scotty" Doohan, and ah... I understand life with
the Enterprise's Chief Mechanical Officer *was* somewhat
turbulent... kinda like living with a MUGATU!
Trekkies: [ geeky laughter ]
Emcee: Yeah! Well you'll all be able to meet
Pamela in the Briar Wing where she'll be signing copies of her
new book, "Beam Me Out Of Here"!
And finally, the man you've all been waiting for, this is his
first Star Trek convention in quite a long time, I know he's
thrilled to be here, Captain James Tiberius Kirk himself, WILLIAM
SHATNER! [ Shatner walks to the podium. ] Now Bill's
here to field a few questions so just fire away!
Trekkies: Mr. Shatner! Mr. Shatner!
William Shatner: Alright, the first question,
uh, go ahead!
Charlie: Yeah! Okay, um, when you were gonna
beam down to the planet, okay, for the last time in Episode 25? I
was wondering, like um, w-w-what was going on with the crew in
that particular....
William Shatner: Uh... Episode 25?
Charlie: Yeah!
William Shatner: Um... you gotta give me a PLOT,
see, cause it's 20 years and it's a long time... a PLOT... uh....
Charlie: Yeah, Episode 25, that's where you and
the crew of the Enterprise get attacked by these spores? And
started acting real weird, like hippies and stuff?
William Shatner: [ smiling ] Oh oh,
yeah right, I remember, okay uh... what's the question?
Charlie: Well um, I was wondering if you could
settle a bet for me and my friends, okay? Um, like, when you...
um, left your quarters for the last time? And you opened up your
safe? Um... what was the combination?
William Shatner: [ lengthy pause,
incredulous expression ] I-I-I don't know! I mean, it's been
a long time! I, uh... I don't know that! Uh, okay?
Charlie: [ disappointed ] Okay! Okay!
William Shatner: Anybody? Oh, all right, go
ahead! You? Go ahead! You in the funny shirt!
Artie: [ wearing Kirk uniform ] Okay!
Another bet... okay... on your horse farm... alright? How many
saddle-bred horses do you have?
William Shatner: Uh... 34.
Artie: Wait, wait... is that including the colt
that was born earlier this week?
William Shatner: [ stunned pause ] That
mare had a foal?
Artie: Tuesday!
William Shatner: Well I... guess it's 35 then!
Artie: ALL RIGHT! ALL RIGHT! [ congratulated by
his friends ]
William Shatner: You know, before I answer any more questions
there's something I wanted to say. Having received all your
letters over the years, and I've spoken to many of you, and some
of you have traveled... y'know... hundreds of miles to be here,
I'd just like to say... GET A LIFE, will you people? I mean, for
crying out loud, it's just a TV show! I mean, look at you, look
at the way you're dressed! You've turned an enjoyable little job,
that I did as a lark for a few years, into a COLOSSAL WASTE OF
TIME!
[ a crowd of shocked and dismayed Trekkies.... ]
I mean, how old are you people? What have you done with
yourselves?
[ to "Ears" ] You, you must be almost 30...
have you ever kissed a girl?
[ "Ears" hangs his head ]
I didn't think so! There's a whole world out there! When I was
your age, I didn't watch television! I LIVED! So... move out of
your parent's basements! And get your own apartments and GROW THE
HELL UP! I mean, it's just a TV show dammit, IT'S JUST A TV SHOW!
Charlie: Are- are you saying then that we should
pay more attention to the movies?
William Shatner: NO!!! THAT'S NOT WHAT I'M
SAYING AT ALL!!! HEY, YOU GUYS ARE... THE LAMEST BUNCH... I'VE
NEVER SEEN... [ walks away from podium ] I can't believe
these people... I mean, I really can't understand what's....
[ Emcee argues with Shatner off-mike, shoves him, Shatner
shoves back harder.... ]
Second Emcee: Uh... that was William Shatner,
ladies and gentlemen. Uh, I'd like to remind you Trekkers that we
have some fine refreshments from all over the galaxy... Coke,
Diet Coke, Bubble Up, Orange, I believe. We....
[ Meanwhile, Emcee waves the contract in front of Shatner,
who then reluctantly returns to the podium.... ]
William Shatner: Of course, that speech was a
"re-creation" of the "Evil Captain Kirk" from
um... Episode, um... [ Emcee whispers ] THIRTY-SEVEN...
uhh... called... [ another whisper ] "The Enemy
Within."
[ Trekkies get happy, applaud ]
William Shatner: Yuh, Yuh, so thank you... and,
and... Live Long and Prosper...
[ Trekkies make Vulcan "peace sign".... ]
William Shatner: So everybody... set your
phasers on stun, cause... THIS CONVENTION'S AHEAD WARP FACTOR
NINE, Y'KNOW? RIGHT! ALL RIGHT! WARP FACTOR NINE!
[ fade out ]
Once again, thanks to Mogwai for e-mailing this transcript to me.