Who is Squidy?

Squidy is truly unique, and not in a good way. Born on the 5th of October 1981 (on Monty Python's 12th anniversary), he was an incredibly sweet baby, and still is (© Bill Oddie, 1974). The illegitimate son of Susan Sarandon and Barry Bostwick, much of Squidy's childhood was spent in front of the box, spending several hours a day enjoying entertaining television programmes. This was just a phase, however, and sure enough, as Squidy started growing up, television stopped making entertaining programmes.

Squidy is a ~~philosh~~ ~~philosphar~~ ~~phillosop~~ ~~pillo~~ thinker who spends much of his time wondering how to spell 'philosopher'. Due his hobby of insomnia, he spends many a night tossing and turning in bed, sometimes until as late as 11pm. (Squidy is want to argue this, saying "Well, I've turned in bed many a time, but..."). Many of his most ~~philop~~ clever thoughts emerge during this time, including: Is Charlie Drake still alive?; What was the name of Joyce DeWitt's character in Three's Company?; Why did the theme tune to God, The Devil And Bob sound like the one for Call My Bluff?; Why doesn't the Special Edition two-DVD set of Monty Python And The Holy Grail include the trailers for Dr Strangelove and Homegrown?; Is it pronounced Scott BAY-o or Scott BUY-o?; Why on the back of The Mary Whitehouse Experience Encyclopedia has Robert Newman's picture got a white background while the backgrounds for the other three are pink?, and; In Hollywood, there must be scripts that Eric Idle has turned down, what must they be like?. Ever trying to enlarge his intellect, Squidy is currently reading The Holocaust Encyclopedia by Robert Ross.

Squidy is probably best known for his appearances on the stage. And after he stopped robbing 19th century Wild West vehicles, he went into the theatre. Shortly after his one man show (he played both the cast and the audience), Squidy had a brief spell in The Nualas, playing the character of 'Nuala' for a week in 1999 when Suzannah DeWrixon left. Cast because he already had the glasses, he wrote one song, entitled 'Ejaculation (It's A Man's Business)', before being thrown out on the (rightful) grounds that it was "utter rubbish". He later sold the song to Smack The Pony, where it was performed as a parody of Travis. Squidy then appeared in the new Amnesty show, We Don't Know What Humour Is, with Harry Enfield, Richard Blackwood, Dom Joly, and other people who wouldn't understand comedy if John Cleese beat them round the head with a copy of The Day Today pilot. His act simply consisted of repeating the words "monkey spunk" over and over for three minutes. He is generally regarded as being the funniest man on the bill the night. Except for Jeremy Hardy, obviously. (Squidy has later said that he was not saying the pleb-pleasing phrase "monkey spunk" at all, and that in fact he was saying "Monkee's punk", a shorter version of "The Monkees are punk". This relates, says Squidy, to an argument he had with Stuart Maconie at Groucho's, in which Mr M said that the Monkees were "crap" and "not punk". This, according to all in attendance that night, is said to be "bollocks"). Although thrown out of Ben Elton's new musical I Haven't Sold Out, Honestly, Now Where's My Royalty Cheque for being too camp, Squidy is currently appearing on the West End as the title role in The Vagina Monologues.

Whenever you think of Squidy you think of TV. I don't know why, he's never dressed as a woman in his life (yes, that's two 'you-think-he's-talking-about-one-thing-but-he's-actually-talking-about-something-else-entirely'-type jokes in two paragraphs. Ho ho, what wit. Sky TV are bound to give me a sitcom now, and after that, maybe I'll present a magazine show like The Priory, and tell old Not The Nine O'Clock News jokes in front of a group of drooling teenagers who'll whoop regardless of what I say. Ah, the pinnacle of a comedian's career. What's that whirring noise? Oh yes, it's Oscar Wilde, spinning in his grave. Etc. So, television...). As well as frequent guest appearances on the TV sitcom spin-off of Baise-Moi, he also appeared in the unaired pilot of the sitcom Chris Morris penned for Tricky, playing a double entendré-shouting postman named 'Percy Gobbler', a role in which his campness came in handy ("Not the first time I've come in handy, ooh-err missus!!!" squeaks Squidy, still in character. He later adds "Please, just kill me now"). I, er, I mean he has also appeared in such *ahem* 'documentaries' as Top Ten: Easily Researched Music Footage (Channel 4) and I Love Whatever You Tell Me To Love (BBC2, obviously). His most recent appearance was on Channel 4's The Hundred Greatest Sneery Opinions About How We Used To Hate Things Even Though We Didn't Really, We Just Say We Do To Impress Our Time Out-Writing Mates Down The Pub. He gave the oh-so-clever views on how the walls on Crossroads used to wobble, even though they clearly didn't, and how it's so good we don't make shows like that today, even though we clearly do.

The 20th anniversary screening of Life Of Brian at Leicester Square, 7th October 1999.
L - R: John Cleese, Michael Palin, Terry Jones, Carol Cleveland, Terry Gilliam, Squidy.

Squidy's film work is minimal and pathetic, earning him the nickname 'The British Tony Danza'. After a brief role in Guest House Paradiso as Simon Pegg's nipple ring, Squidy's most important movie contribution came after running into a drunken George Lucas at Spago's. Lucas was crying into a copy of the Star Wars: Episode I script at the time, dismayed with its dreadful title and appalling plot developments. Squidy (also heavily drunk) couldn't help with the title (it remained The Phantom Menace), but helped strongly with the script by creating a McGuffin called 'Squidyclorians', the sole purpose of which were to, as he said at the time, explain "why the Jedis are Jedis and why the Anikid guy is a Jedi but an evil one like that Dark Helmet or something, hey, where are all the bloody Ewoks, and when are you doing a sequel to Willow?". Lucas then punched him in the face, yelling "Security!" as he ran away into the night. The 'Squidyclorians' later made it into the script as 'midiclorians', named, says Squidy, for the sheer amount on midi files on this website, of which Lucas is a fan. In a recent interview for Empire magazine, however, George Lucas said that this was "crap" and that he had never met any such person in his life, nor visited this website. Despite this, rumours persist that the character of Jar Jar Binks was based on the drunken Squidy that night. Squidy has also co-written a short film called Whoops Apocalypse Now, in which everyone in the world dies suddenly without any explanation. Only two and a half minutes long (two minutes of which are titles and credits) and directed by Abraham Zapruda (hired only because Squidy thought he'd got Daphne Zuniga), this film has been nominated for fuck all. Richard Briars stars (in a different and much better short film, probably).

And now, due to unpopular demand, Squidy is bounding headfirst into the 20th century with this website, which, containing hardly any proper jokes and almost no original ideas, is already on par with TV Go Home as being a website with some Radio Times spoofs on it.

Or is that 'spooves'? Ah, sod it, I've done my 1000 words, and nobody's going to read this anyway...

Squidy's Website is written, conceived, created, designed, edited, uploaded, directed, ruined, deaded, and everything elsed by Squidy.

Lighting: Through Large Glass Windows (courtesy of Natural Sunlight Industries).

Martin,

"Who is Squidy really?". What an odd question. Who are ANY of us really? When it comes down to it, human life is really just an insignificant ameoba living on the elephant's backpack of the planet's second-hand Queen Anne rollerdesk in the universe's blah blah blah blah blah.

Right, that's the obligatory 'comedy philosophical answer' out the way, now for the facts...

Squidy (alias: Squidy S. Website, George Alias, Rabbi Lionel Blue, Gummo Sloman) is a 20-year-old TV and video student from Central London. He likes to write comedy and put it online to the delight of both his fans. It costs him nothing and he earns nothing. He has contributed to the Goodies Rule OK online newsletter and has written a page and a half for the SOTCAA Christmas Book. He is good friends with the people behind SOTCAA and can often be found posting wrong and poorly researched information on The Comedy Forum. He is fully educated in the Adobe Premiere 6.0 editing software and is gradually trying to teach himself HTML. He is currently enjoying Rock Profile in it's myriad edits and The Muppet Show 'HMV exclusive' box set. He has nearly one hundred and fifty DVDs and often refers to himself in the third person. GSOH, non-smoker prefered.

Who wants to know all this anyway? I haven't got a stalker at last, have I?

Say hi to Jet Morgan for me,
Squidy.
------------------
http://squidy.150m.com/